Amenoch Archery Tag
by Klioud
Summary: Brooklyn 99-inspired AU. It's Laphicet's birthday! What better way is there to celebrate than by playing archery tag?
1. Chapter 1

"You sure you want to me to invite them?"

Velvet swivels in her chair to look at Phi. He sits cross-legged on the faux leather loveseat next to the den's door. With his elbows propped on his thighs, he holds a Rubix's Cube up in front of his face. It clicks with each rotation of its every row and column.

"Yes, definitely!" he says without looking away from the Rubix's Cube. Swivelling back to face her computer monitor, Velvet picks up a two month-old elementary school assignment sheet. Double-checks the names scrawled in neat handwriting on its otherwise blank backside. Velvet sighs. Then she begins to type address after address into the to field. It will be easier just to send this as one group email.

"Dyle too?" she says under her breathe as she inputs his work address. A part of her considers omitting a few names from the list. When it comes to wrangling children, she does not think Detectives Dyle or Benwick would be of much help. She has seen firsthand how Kamoana bulldozes over their so-called rules.

Her assistant, Magilou, would be even worse. It is more likely that Magilou would encourage the kids to misbehave than do anything actually helpful.

Even still, it is Phi's birthday party.

She leaves the addresses as is. Perhaps some of them will already have plans made for this coming Saturday.

With the to field filled, Velvet switches to the subject line. _Birthday Party_ would be too eye-catching. Putting Phi's name anywhere in the subject line is out too. A topic like that would have everyone opening the email. She really only needs one or two other adults to help corral all the kids. For a moment, Velvet wonders if she should copy-and-paste the body of the email at the bottom of their monthly newsletter. Hardly anyone reads that.

Velvet has to remind herself again that it is Phi's birthday. He wants everyone on this list to be there.

Gritting her teeth, she types Laphicet's Birthday Party into the subject line and eyeballs it for about a good minute. Then she mashes the backspace button and types Invitation instead. It is nondescript enough that someone might assume it is an invite to a refresher seminar on police codes. Her eyes scan over the email's body. That she had written first. No mistakes catch her eyes.

"So, how many kids are coming?" she asks as she hits send.

"Kids? Oh, well, three, not including me," he says.

"What?"

"I invited Videl, Kamoana— I sent Edna an email, too. I really hope she can make it! She said that she'd try."

"Three?" Velvet asks. Stares at her email's inbox. A notification hovers above the list of emails: _Your message has successfully been sent!_

"Yeah," Phi says from behind her. The Rubix Cube's clicks twice more before falling silent. "Velvet, are you okay?"

"I'm fine." After a long pause, she adds, "We have room for a couple more people, if you wanted to invite anyone else."

"That's okay," Phi says. The clicking sounds resume.

Stunned, it takes Velvet a few seconds before she can feel her hands again. Then she clicks on the sent email. Reads each address one by one. A part of her wonders if she should be concerned that Phi has only invited one friend from his new school. Phi met Edna through Eizen. Met Kamoana through Medissa. In fact, everyone but Videl is in some way involved with the Nine Nine. Maybe that is not a good thing.

The only thing she knows for sure is that this party is going to be a disaster.


	2. Chapter 2

Amenoch Archery Tag is a large facility with a tiny lobby. The entrance is crammed. Velvet is not surprised. The reviews online had been primarily positive and stated that the weekend drop-in games were both well-attended and well-organized. So it only makes sense that a Saturday afternoon here would look like this.

"Stay close," she tells Phi and Videl as they wade their way through the crowd up to the reception desk. There, Velvet confirms their reservation with the receptionist.

"Oh, great! Actually, some people from your party arrived ahead of you," the receptionist says. Gestures vaguely to a side of the room. "They're over there— I think. Are they?" Velvet scans the wall of bodies for anyone familiar. No one jumps out at her. "Uh, anyways, the party room is still being cleaned, but I'll let you know as soon as it's ready for you."

"Alright," she says. Taps Phi on the shoulder. He and Videl have been passing his Rubix's Cube back and forth as they compete for the fastest solve time. "Come on, this way."

They push their way through to the far wall where a few polyester sofas and some plastic chairs have been arranged for the customers' use. Velvet spots Detective Hume and Sergeant Wuxeb. The former stands with her back turned to them. The latter sits on one of the sofas. Velvet can see Eizen's lips move, but she cannot hear what he is saying over the buzz of the lobby.

That they should be the first to arrive is not in the least shocking. Within an hour of having sent the invitation, Velvet received a _I'm delighted to be invited and will gladly attend_ email back from Eleanor. Eizen had not replied to the email itself. But he had told her in-person that he would join them. He tends to be punctual when he commits to something.

Eizen notices them first. Nods in their direction as he makes to stand up. Eleanor spins on her heel with an enormous smile on her face.

"Laphicet," she says. "You're here! Oh, happy birthday!" She is one of the few people Phi willingly hugs. After their brief hug, Eleanor suddenly salutes Velvet. "Captain."

"Happy birthday," Eizen says. "Edna gives her regards." Unlike Eleanor, he does not salute Velvet. Only returns Velvet's curt nod with one of his own.

Videl passes the Rubix's Cube to Phi then. Phi puts it inside his little knapsack as he excitedly introduces Videl to the two detectives. Velvet turns around to face the rest of the lobby. One by one, she watches as familiar faces break through the crowd. Detective Rangestu arrives next. He grins and pats Phi on the shoulder in greeting. Laughs enthusiastically when Videl goes slack-jawed at the sight of Rokurou's demonic eye.

"Pretty cool, right?" Rokurou says. Holds back his bangs so that the boy can get a better look.

Benwick follows. He gives Phi and Videl each a low-five before asking Eleanor if she managed to clean all the birdseed out of her car. There is some kind of story there. Velvet decides she does not really care.

Medissa and Dyle walk in with a wide-eyed Kamoana between them. Videl already knows Kamoana. They might not be in the same grade, but they all attend the same school. Kamoana tears her hands out of Medissa and Dyle's own at the sight of them. In a matter of minutes, Phi has pulled the Rubix's Cube out of his bag and passed it into Kamoana's hands. Velvet watches as she twists and turns the cube with a knot between her eyebrows.

The receptionist waves at them right as Magilou shows up. Magilou hardly has time to ruffle Phi's hair before Velvet leads them through the crowd to the desk. The human receptionist is no longer alone behind it. A Turtlez dressed in the Amenoch Archery Tag blue uniform raises a flipper at her.

"Comez wit' me!" the Turtlez says as he rounds the desk. Then halts. Velvet watches as he purses his lips at the sight of them. "Kid'z birthday party, right?"

"Yeah," Velvet says. Crosses her arms. She knows what he is looking at: eight adults and only three kids.

"Right, uh, this wayz," the Turtlez says. Behind her, Magilou lets out a little screech of a laugh at something Medissa just said. Velvet digs her fingernails into her arms. There is no point in saying that she has a bad feeling about all this. It is just a flat-out bad idea.

The party room is clean but small. A long table runs down the middle of it. Unfortunately, its legs have been adjusted so that the surface is elbow-level for people under four feet. Small chairs have been stuffed into every available spot around the table. The mural on the walls is elaborate but lacks any understanding of perspective or colour theory. It just looks plain overwhelming. Normin play archery tag in forests and cityscapes. In places made from clouds and from desserts. The sudden changes in perspective and the clashing colours is giving Velvet a headache.

"They're so cute!" Kamoana says. Tugs on the sleeve of Phi's sweatshirt. Phi sucks in his lips for a moment before putting on an uneasy smile.

"Hey, Grimoirh's here!" Videl points at a spot in a cloud-world-at-dawn segment. Velvet recognizes the normin by her trademark hat. All Velvet knows is that she is a character from the popular children's show Not Normin-al.

The three kids set down their bags in the closest corner of the room. Then they start to pick out other characters from their favourite show on the long wall. Velvet is not sure if copyright law is being infringed upon here. Whatever. It is not her problem. What happens in the party room can stay in the party room.

Kamoana waves Medissa and Dyle over. Asks them both to help her and Videl pick out characters on the walls. Meanwhile, Phi asks Eizen something about the mural. Velvet thinks she hears Edna's name being passed between them. She vaguely remembers Phi once mentioning that Edna is a big fan of the show too.

At the far end of the party room is a whiteboard. Shocking no one, Magilou makes a beeline for it. Velvet's patience is already shot. Grimacing, Velvet grabs Eleanor by her arm as she steps into the room.

"Make sure she doesn't draw any dicks," she says. Nods in Magilou's direction. Eleanor frowns and bobs her head so fiercely that her pigtails bounce. Velvet lets go and watches as Eleanor stomps her way past a laughing Benwick.

Of course. A fire produces more than just one spark. Benwick is barely keeping himself together behind the cover of his hand. His whole body visibly shakes with laughter. With his other hand, Benwick motions at Rokurou to come over to him. Jabs a thumb at something on the wall.

Velvet cannot help being but feel a little bit curious. Leaning forward on her feet, she tries to steal a glance at whatever it is before Rokurou steps between her and it. Her eyes follow Benwick's thumb to a small normin painted on the wall. Its facial features are spread too far apart and poorly rendered. Its tiny eyes make it look starstruck.

When Rokurou sees it, he bursts into laughter. Benwick drops his hand away from his face and curls in over himself. It looks weird, sure. But Velvet thinks it is hardly _that_ funny. If anything, they look more ridiculous right now than the normin does.

"Once youz put down ya bagz, we can get youz suited up," someone says from behind her. Velvet turns to find the Turtlez there. Catching a bit of the inside of her lip between her teeth, Velvet turns to survey the group. Rokurou and Benwick are in tears. Magilou draws lines across the board and laughs when Eleanor immediately erases them. Dyle has said something wrong, because Kamoana is demanding that he _take that back!_ Videl and Medissa hover around Kamoana with their hands raised defensively. They are probably trying to calm her down.

The only ones behaving with any measure of civility are Eizen and Phi. Yet Velvet can tell with just one look that Eizen has launched into a full-on lecture on something Phi has asked him.

"Medissa," she calls out. "Can you take the kids to get ready?" When Medissa raises an eyebrow at her, Velvet adds, "We'll be right behind you."

Medissa seems to clue in then. Puts a hand on each of Kamoana's shoulders.

"We'll settle this on the field!" Kamoana says to Dyle. Then she sticks out her tongue. Dyle laughs and rubs the back of his neck.

The kids go with Medissa and the Turtlez. Phi looks over his shoulder at her as he leaves. Velvet directs a small smile at him. Closes the door. As soon as the latch clicks into place, her smile plummets into a full-out scowl.

"Ground rules!" Velvet turns on her heel.

Everyone but Magilou straightens up. Marker still in hand, Magilou clasps her hands behind her head. Rokurou and Benwick try and fail miserably to look serious. Their shoulders will not quit shaking. She will not wait.

"Rule number one: no competitions."

"What!" Magilou flings her arms wide. "But I was going to draw a scoreboard!"

"What do you mean, 'no competitions'?" Eizen says.

"You can't invite us to play archery tag and then say"— Rokurou's voice pitches into a poor impersonation of her own— "'no competitions'!"

They all murmur and hum in agreement. Even Eleanor looks taken aback by what she has said.

"I didn't invite you. Phi did. And, yes, I can," Velvet says. Crosses her arms as their expressions all darken. "In moderation, some friendly competition is fine. But knowing you lot, there'll be actual bloodshed. So, no competitions. No bets either."

That earns her a collective boo. Surprisingly, Magilou looks the least upset of them.

"Hey, Benwick," Magilou says. Benwick looks over his shoulder at her. "Pay up."

Velvet's almost sure Benwick's given himself whiplash with how quickly he turns his head to look back at Velvet.

"Hey..." His mouth wears something almost like a smile. "Does that rule rule out all bets made today?"

Velvet considers it.

"No, just any made from here on out."

Magilou whoops as Benwick deflates. Rokurou pats Benwick on the shoulder. Shoots a cunning smile Magilou's way.

"What's the next rule?" Eleanor asks.

"The next?" Velvet frowns a little. Nothing comes to mind. "Guess that's it. Oh, Videl— the other kid— he's got a respiratory problem. He's fine to play, but if something happens, you call me over. Got it? So, let's go have some fun. Ready?"

A discordant _yes_ rises from them. Velvet taps her foot once.

"What was that?"

"Yes, captain!

"Good. Now move out!"

* * *

When the Turtlez asks if anyone has ever fired a bow before, Velvet and Benwick are the only ones to raise their hands.

In high school, Velvet did not just participate in archery competitions: she dominated them. But this was a long time ago. Artorius had been Arthur to her back then. Laphi had still been alive. She grits her teeth at the thought.

The Turtlez allows her and Benwick to go ahead and practice firing on their own while he gives the remainder of their party an introductory lesson on handling a bow. Velvet is glad for it. Fires at the immobile and defenceless dummies lined up against a long wall. Then fires again. And again.

And again.

Mentally, she projects Artorious's face onto a dummy. Frowns when her arrow hits him around his manubrium instead. She is definitely out of practice. Which only makes sense. Velvet has not touched a bow in years.

Exhaling noisily, Velvet lowers her bow. Turns to watch as the rest of the group lines up and readies their bows. Everyone is equipped with a face mask at this point. Even Dyle. His face mask is unique in that it shelters most of his snout. Good. He looks like he will need it. The bowstring strikes the crook of his arm as he fires. Dyle hisses and nearly drops his bow. Surprisingly, does not curse. Maybe looking after Kamoana has tempered his potty mouth some.

Surveying the others, Velvet ranks them from best to worst.

Rokurou takes to archery like a fish to water. Eleanor demonstrates great precision, but she takes way too long to fire. Each second she spends double-checking her form is an opportunity to shoot her down. It takes Medissa about a dozen arrows or so before she gets the hang of it. Her aim could still use some work. Magilou is similar: she has no trouble handling the bow. She fires both quickly and confidently. But she lacks precision.

Velvet only gets to see Benwick fire a single shot. She had not paid him much attention earlier. Now she sees his arrow strike a dummy's heart. He is good. Only, his hair keeps falling into his eyes. How unfortunate.

For him, that is.

"Anyone have an elastic?" he asks. Eleanor nods her head and pulls out one of her pigtails. Hands him the elastic from it. Then she pulls out the other. She pulls her hair into a high ponytail. Benwick puts his into a low one.

He will be one to watch out for.

Combining the three kids would make them into the perfect archer. Proper form comes to Videl naturally. He just lacks precision and the confidence with which to fire. Kamoana possesses invincible confidence. Her form is lacking and her aim is awful. Yet she never looks discouraged. The kid fires arrows so fast that it reminds Velvet of one of those tennis ball machines. Perhaps her strategy is to play probability. If she fires enough arrows, one of them might just hit their mark.

Phi does not have even a fraction of Kamoana's confidence. He is very much like Eleanor: always hesitating just before firing to double-check his form. But for what he lacks in form and confidence, he makes up for in precision.

Man, is he ever a dead-shot.

Dead-shot to dead last. Eizen might be the worst of them all. The archery tag bows are smaller than what Velvet used back in the day. It looks even smaller in Eizen's hands. His form is shabby. But he does not lack in precision. When the arrow flies at all, that is. Inexplicably, the bowstring snaps on him. They give him a replacement. Then the first arrow he picks up is missing fletching. The Turtlez helps him to find one that works and removes the fletching-less one from play.

When Eizen finally shoots his first arrow, it veers off-course and completely misses the dummy. Then he fires another. It hits the human-shaped target right in its throat.

What a wild card. She is not sure where exactly to place him in her rankings. Then she realizes that she has _rankings._ Gives her head a quick shake.

 _No competitions._

To busy herself, Velvet grabs the last arrow in her row and fires it. The arrow hits the target right between the eyes.

"Oh wow!" Phi says from the row beside her. "You're really good, Velvet!"

"Yeah," Velvet says. Tries to hide her smile. "I've had practice." Lowering her bow, she turns to him. "Hey, let's take a look at your form."

* * *

The arena is flat and rectangular. Lines have been painted onto the laminate floor to divide it into three parts. It looks a lot like a dodgeball court. The neutral zone in between the ends of the rectangle is littered with arrows. An assortment of inflatable geometric shapes are set up on both ends of the arena. The Turtlez calls them bunkers. Each one varies in size from roughly four to seven feet tall.

The Turtlez draws their attention to the two centre targets set up along the lines designating the neutral zone. Five bright red plates sit inside both frames.

"Takez out all five of them targetz, youz win. 'Course, ya can just shoot each otherz too. This is elimination stylez."

Then the Turtlez raises his flipper. It bounces from person to person. Velvet frowns when the Turtlez frowns.

"Uneven number," he says. Oh. Right. As suspected, Edna had not made it.

"I'll sit out." Magilou raises her hand. With her other hand, she takes off her face mask.

"Aww, no," Phi says as he pushes his face mask up. "Is there any way that we can all play?"

"Well, if youz can stay impartial, we could probably—"

"Me? Impartial? No thanks!" Magilou says. There is something genuinely apologetic about her smile. It takes Velvet by surprise. "I don't like to work up a sweat, you know? Besides, I'm betting"— Velvet clears her throat. Magilou's smile peels back wider in visible discomfort— "cheering for whatever team you're on, so there's no way I could be impartial!"

One end of Phi's mouth is pinched. His eyebrows droop.

"Well... if you're sure."

"One hundred trillion percent sure!" Leaning down, she slides the mask back down over his face. "Go kill 'em, kiddo."

They leave Magilou behind the protective netting that hangs down from the ceiling and step into the arena proper. Velvet casts a glance back at Magilou. Finds her already lying down on a nearby bench with her hands folded behind her head. It looks like she might just take a nap.

As the birthday boy, Phi gets to pick the captain for the other team. Velvet is surprised when when he names Kamoana his opponent.

Kamoana does not seem to be surprised at all.

"Alright!" she says. Steps closer towards the neutral zone. "Remember what you promised!"

"You too!" Phi calls after her. Velvet is perplexed. When Phi picks her first to join his team, she sidles over to him.

"What is she talking about?" she asks.

"I'll explain later."

Predictably, Kamoana chooses Medissa first. Phi then picks Videl. Videl steps forward to give Phi a high-five. This is followed by some kind of secret handshake. Probably. They knock knuckles together at the end of it.

Just as predictably, Kamoana calls on Eleanor. Phi takes Rokurou.

"Eizen!" Kamoana calls. Breaking the pattern. Velvet is left blinking sharply in the artificial lighting.

"Why didn't you pick Dyle?" Phi says.

"Why didn't you pick me?" Dyle says at the same time. They are just as flabbergasted as Eizen looks. Although she cannot see his face behind the mask, the sergeant's posture betrays his shock.

"Because I wanna get Dyle out!" Kamoana explains with a giggle. At that, Phi giggles a little too. Dyle just groans.

"Okay then— Dyle's with us."

"Really?" Benwick puts in then. "I'm the last to be picked?"

Velvet has to agree. Benwick is a much better shot than Dyle. On the basis of practice, at least. Phi should have picked him instead. She is just about to say that when she catches herself.

"Quit whining and get over here," Eizen says. Waves. Grumbling, Benwick drags himself over to his team.

Velvet surveys her own: Phi and Videl. Rokurou and Dyle. Then she looks up at their opponents. They walk far too close together as they make their way to the opposing end of the arena. She imagines that they are whispering to each other about any and all weaknesses they spotted during practice.

Shaking her head, Velvet turns to double-check that Phi's mask is secure.

"What's going on with you and Kamoana?" she asks. Tightens the strap around the back of his head. Phi stiffens.

"About that... you know Not Nomin-al?" With the mask secure, she drops her hands. Nods at his question. "Well, she says that Pheonix is the best character. But she's wrong! Grimoirh is the best. So, please, everyone"— he turns to address the whole team— "try your hardest! We need to win, for Grimoirh!"

Oh.

Oh no.

Rokurou is looking at her from the corner of his eye. He is doing a crap job at hiding his grin. At least Dyle has the sense to not look at her. She knows he is far too afraid to.

"I'll do my best," Videl says. Exchanges a fierce nod with Phi.

Apparently, Not Normin-al is something to shed blood for.

"So," Rokurou says. Draws out that first syllable long enough to make Velvet want to scream. "How's best character being decided? One match? Total wins?"

"Total wins," Phi says. "So winning is top priority!"

Shit.


End file.
